Tips on Comforting a Grieving Person

The loss of Tashi has caused me to have a renewed and intense period of grieving. He had those qualities of extreme gentleness, never acting in anger, being highly lovable, and a power to make me feel wonderful, just by being in his presence.

In this most recent death, I have begun to reflect on what seems to help, and what doesn't. I know that every single person that has offered any words cares very much for me, and the responses to dad and Tashi are much appreciated.

I also know that people seem to struggle with knowing what to say to a grievng person.

People who chose to say anything at all certainly have the best intentions, and want to be comforting. Sadly, our culture does little to teach us about grieving.

I have more experience with grief than I care too, but that is life. If you venture love, one day you will begin to grieve.

I have had numerous experiences with grief, enough to know a variety of situations from prolonged terminal illness, to old age, and to tragic accidents. I have struggled on both sides of the issue of being the comforter and comfortee.

I have learned a little bit about it, based purely on my personal experience, from being a rather astute student of human beings, and from my interest in Life Coaching.

Here is my nickels worth of wisdom on the subject of comforting adults or older kids:

The condensed version:

DO - understand grieving people are not looking for someone to solve the “problem.” Sayings like “It will get better” are best left to talking about a plant that is being nursed back to health, or a broken leg from a skiing accident, and is not the stuff for grieving people.

DO - ask how they are FEELING -- this is different than “how are you.”

How Are You is the standard social greeting and often generates a socially acceptable “ok” response. It does not really tell the person that you want to do anything more than extend a polite social greeting. It can be confusing for them to know if you are being polite, or really want to listen and help them grieve.

DO - LISTEN to what they are saying. Then ask them to Tell You More.

DO - Be comfortable in listening to their feelings without needing to rescue them or save them. They need to be HEARD, just listen and ask for more details about how they feel. Just let it be expressed.

Your job is to listen, not to fix it.

DON’T - ask about their feelings unless you really want to hear them out and be comforting. If you are not wanting to hear “ I feel like I am being punished” or “I want to curl up and die” then don’t offer to comfort.

DON’T - respond to them with clichés (Time heals - He didn’t suffer - etc). It is not about the deceased, it is about the grieving person you are talking to and they are living in the present moment, not in a future time.

DON’T - do much talking. LISTEN.

DON’T - talk about your own grief experiences - again it is about letting them express and release their emotions.

DON’T - avoid talking about the deceased.


The LP version:

First and foremost, the grieving person is not looking for anyone to “make it better.”

What they need is to express their emotions.

So what helps?

First, let me tell you about what I call:

“how to shut down a grieving person” --

Most clichés people say to a grieving person are NOT comforting or helpful. In fact, many can unintentionally be somewhat hurtful. They often act as a shut-off valve for the emotions the person is trying and needing to express.

“It will get better with time” - When you ask someone how they are feeling, and they respond with something indicating pain and suffering, often the response of “It will get better with time” (and the other clichés) comes across as “I am uncomfortable with hearing about your emotions.”

The grieving person pulls back from expressing their feelings, and may feel like they have burdened you with even mentioning it, or that you may not really want to hear how they are.

If you really do want to comfort someone, and are not just offering up a polite greeting, ask “how are you FEELING” and be prepared for the emotional response.

When they stop speaking, or break down in tears, DO NOT fall back on a cliché of “he went quick, and wasn’t made to suffer” or something else that is a standard response.

It isn’t about the deceased, it is 100% about the person you are with, it is THEIR needs at the very moment that are your focus of comfort.

So, they have laid some emotions out, and are sniveling or wailing or something in between,

Now WHAT?

If they are capable of conversation, ask them if they want to “tell you more about how they are feeling,” this tells them that you understand. It also tells them you are comfortable, and willing to listen to their pain.

It is permission to grieve in your presence.

Be prepared to LISTEN and use your reflective listening skills (if you don’t know what that is, you would do well in life to learn about it for ALL interpersonal interactions).

You should not be doing much talking, aside from reflective listening comments, and more probes for them to tell you more.

If they aren’t able to speak, provide physical support - hold their hand, put your hand on top of theirs or give them a gentle hug.

Keep tissues, water, and a waste basket at hand.

When they are able to speak, go ahead and ask them to tell you more. Let them keep telling you more until they change the subject, which signals they need a break from the emotion.

It really can be that simple.

If you are not really prepared to hear their feelings, do not ask for them.

If it is a situation where someone has come back to work, or you see them at the store and you just want to make contact, don’t ask how they are, just say something like “it is so good to see you” and hug them or clasp their hand warmly and hold it for a few moments.

Offers to “HELP”

“Call me if there’s anything I can do to help.”

People who have been in grief, can tell you that they are not capable of conjuring up something you can do to help.

They can barely get out of bed in the morning. They just do not have the faculty to identify what needs to be done. Finding the front door can be hard.

This generic offering, while well meaning, ends up being empty.

Initiative is called for on this one.

Your actions will depend on how close you are to them. Perhaps you are real close to them. Go to their house and do some cleaning for them, or pick up some food they probably won’t eat, do their laundry, tend their flowers and pets. Do as much general household care as you can without making them uncomfortable or imposing.

My mom had a desperate need to clear out the cupboards and rearrange them after dad passed. This was comforting to her and gave her something to focus on. It did not mean she was actually capable of getting the sweeper run, buying groceries or anything else.

Be alert to what is really going on with the person.

Check their supply of toilet paper, facial tissues, dish soap, shampoo and so forth.

Check their mail for important items - tax bills, auto insurance. When they are in a somewhat lucid frame of mind, ask them about important things such as getting the mortgage payment in.

If you are not that close, drop off prepared food, but do it in the weeks after the death…

Why?

There is a “rush” in those first few days after a death, and then the attention drops off significantly, and sometimes stops altogether within less than a week.

Also, people who are heavily grieving often don’t eat much. After the “rush” is when they need that food prepared. They will need to eat, but not be highly capable of regularly preparing food.

They may need encouragement to eat. Don’t just drop off the food, go around meal time, and actually put the food out, set the table, and invite them to sit down. Don’t force them if they refuse, but make it easy and right there. Habit will often take over, and they will eat because it is on a plate in front of them.

Offer to organize friends and family (make the offer to their close friend or relative, not to the grieving person) so the grieving person gets a regular support person, instead of everyone assuming everyone else is “on it.”

If it is a co-worker, pitch in and do what you can of their work, and tell them a little tiny bit about what you did. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it” is a bit vague. Say some specific things, not great detail, just the basic facts. I sent that package to x. I made the corrections to the report and turned it in.

Help with their emails and phone messages so they are not hit with a bunch of crap when they come back.

Put fresh flowers on their desk for their return, or a favorite candy or something you think they will like. If going for flowers, get something that looks happy.

The co-worker often feels awkward when they first arrive to the office. They know the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to say in the situation, and feel awkward for that reason and because they don’t know how they will respond emotionally during the first days.

It can be nice for the closet co-worker to the person to greet them immediately and offer warmth - a long warn double hand hold handshake or a hug, depending on the parties involved. Tell the person to ease into it and that you understand things are going to be foggy for a while.

Check on them periodically throughout the day. Have someone have lunch with them the first few days, otherwise they may skip eating anything at all. Also, they need to get away from the work site for a few minutes. It can be stifling, regardless of how great the company or the co-workers.

If it is a neighbor, help with simple things like the yard, getting the newspaper, bringing the mail to their door, picking up liter. They well may not realize some of what you are doing at the time, like picking up the liter, but that doesn’t really matter because your goal is to help, not to be acknowledged.

I wish Nike had not made the saying famous, but, Just Do It. They don’t know and can’t tell you what they need as far as help.

So, when someone you care about is grieving, just ask them to tell you about it and then just listen.

Look for things that probably need to be done and do it.

Don’t try to fix their pain, it cannot be fixed.

They will never “heal,” it isn’t a broken bone.

True, the pain will become less and less prominent for most people, and they will once again have days that are not all pain. Someday they will mostly be happy, but they will always have that wound. Almost all of us will continue to cry, sometimes totally out of the blue, over a loved one lost decades ago.

Time doesn’t heal, but it does march on.

Emotionally healthy people learn to choose happiness, but grieving takes time, and never comes to a complete end.

Ask and Listen.

Much love, and appreciation for all your support during this tyring year of my life.

In grief,

Tashi's very sad mommy